A fictional re-imagining of the origins of “Birthday Cake”.

Posted by Bron on March 9, 2012

Rihanna is not one of my favourite people and I’m sure she is distraught about it. The girl is so OVERTLY SEXUAL that you can’t even use that description unless it is written in caps. If you go to her website, one of the cover images is of her making an “o” face with her hand down the front of her pants. THAT’S NOT EVEN CLEVER.

cake cake cake cake* So it wasn’t out of adoration for her artistry that I listened to her new song “Birthday Cake”, but rather it was because the remix** features Chris Brown – a.k.a that dude who totally beat on her, y’all. And I was outraged!

And then I was amused. This song is the worst. Even worse than this song (which also features Chris Brown – he’s on a roll!) about all the worldwide babes who apparently want to bone Pitbull.

Birthday Cake remix with lyrics:

I would love to know how a song like this gets made, where they take a metaphor and beat the shit out of it (pun intended, Chris Brown). It sounds like it’s just a hasty compilation of lazy-ass word-association, like a kinky version of Family Feud where everyone has to think of a cake-y euphemism for sex.

Here is how I imagine the wondrous birth of this lyrical affront to pop music –

PRODUCER: So, we pulled a word out of a hat and your new song will be about “birthday cake”. Everyone think of things associated with cake that could also be sexy.

RIHANNA: DICK.

PRODUCER: That’s not really got anything to do with cake.

CHRIS BROWN: It’s not even her birthday.

PRODUCER: Ok, I get it. She gets “cake” and it’s not even her birthday. Nice.

CB: No, I mean it’s not even her birthday so she should SHUT THE FUCK UP.

PRODUCER: We might go with the first angle on that.

RIHANNA: LICK ME.

PRODUCER: Maybe we could work that in with icing somehow?

CB: Girl, I wanna fuck you right now.

PRODUCER: Well, that’s not so much a euphemism, more of a literal statement of intent. But you terrify me so I’ll put it in the song.

RIHANNA: BLOW JOB.

PRODUCER: I might change that to “blow the candles out”, but it’s a good effort. Try and think more about cake than sex.

RIHANNA: CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE CAKE.

PRODUCER: God damn. Ok, we’ll make that the bridge and we’re done. Next word is “fridge magnet”.

*This is not a post about cake, I just didn’t want to use a picture of the prince of douchness, Chris Brown.

**I now know that “remix” means “the exact same song but with one extra verse” and is the customary way to celebrate the recent expiration of a restraining order.